i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
