i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
