I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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