Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
