On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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