My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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