DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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