i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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