You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
