I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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