You smell like a Billy Joel song
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
