just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
