I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
