I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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