the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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