my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize