Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
