god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
