Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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