i think my tv is drunk
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
