My friends, they love my intelligence
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
