Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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