They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
