we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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