i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
