turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
