First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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