I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
