I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
you inspire me to be a worse person
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize