I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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