so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i think i scared a bird with my dick
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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