dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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