if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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