Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
