Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
