i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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