when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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