I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
