im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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