smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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