she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
