i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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