I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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