Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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