The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
