oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just found puke in my bra..
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
