we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
