i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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