Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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