i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
