The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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