there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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