She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
