The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
