i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
