doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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