I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
