I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
